Skip to main content

Harping Holidays! (Guest Blog)

(Once again we are featuring a guest blogger. This time my accountant, George "The Finger" Pulowski would like to add his two cents on the holiday season. May your days be merry and your bells be jingled.)

Hello all.

Well, I have to say that I am honored to write the guest holiday blog. Christmas is just the type of holiday that stirs up strong feelings in all of us. (The people that matter anyway, you know who I'm talking about…and Mel Gibson does too.) After having gone through my annual rite of passage known as "Last Minute Panic Shopping", I feel that I am as qualified as most to talk about what this gift-giving season means to all of us.

Getting gifts is nice; this I think is a safe assumption. Giving gifts is also nice, and expecting sex in return does not in any way make you a pervert or a "John" as my mother calls them. Nobody wants to be known as that guy who doesn't get stuff for people at Christmas. Face it, if you have made it to this point in the holiday season and you haven't given a gift to anyone yet…get your ass to a Yankee goddamn candle store and load up there Goldstein cuz people are straight up hatin' you right now.

I don't profess to be the most expert one on the subject of Christmas, but I think I have lived through enough to know the ins and outs. I have made my share of mistakes. I can now control the urge to expose myself to Salvation Army bell-ringers…which is good. I also no longer tuck my genitalia and drape myself in red velvet while singing "Santa Baby" in front of my open picture window…another step in the right direction, I think.

So, in short, I hope we all keep Christmas in our hearts this year. Let us extend good will to all people, 'cept the Jews, and make merry this season. I would also like to extend my heartfelt apologies to the guy I stabbed for the Playstation 3 last Chiristmas Eve. In hindsight, a blunt instrument to the head would have been more keeping with the sentiment of the season. My bad.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Open Letter of Apology

As part of the plea bargain, this letter is to serve as a heartfelt apology to anyone who may have been offended by my conduct during one fateful day this past week. There are several incidents that I would like to touch on in this letter, in no particular order. For those of you who were present or who have children who attend the Laughing Kangaroo Day-Care, I hope you understand that my actions on September 22nd were meant to be seen as entertaining and fun, not horrific and "an affront to God" as it has so been called. First of all, my song about the paraplegic hooker was meant to be seen as a parable which dealt with the challenges we all face as human beings and, more specifically, as pimps of paraplegic hookers. I fully intended this to be a learning experience for the kids and, in hindsight, the choreography was poorly thought out and lacked reverence to the topic. It was also my understanding that children enjoyed sing-alongs and that asking them to "stay on the ...

A conversation with Jesus, who is physically present and doesn’t say anything but sits there with this judgmental look on his face

Oh, hey Jesus. I didn’t see you sitting there. I was just finishing up this article before I head off to a party. I doubt that I will be very late though. I have to work in the morning so… What? Oh, I guess I should just stay home, huh? Because I will probably stay out way later than I plan and I will end up having someone drive me home and I won’t have my car for work in the morning. Yeah, I get it. Jesus, Jesus. Fine, I will just watch some TV. Oh cool, that new Knight Rider is on. I know, I hear it is stupid. I used to love the original when I was a kid. Hey, at least it’s entertaining right? Yeah, I suppose…I suppose I could see what else is on. Or, you know what, I think I will just turn off the TV altogether and check my email instead. Heh. I was just reading this think that my friend Terry sent me. He said that Lindsay Lohan…what? What? Fine! But it is really funny. Do you want to read it? Seriously, Jesus, this attitude is starting to get me down. Maybe you should go for a walk...