Skip to main content

I'm Old and I Like Gum!

There comes a time in every man's life when he realizes his own mortality. There also comes a time, almost in the same exact instance of the former, that a man has some sort of nonsensical nostalgia for a cherished item or brand from his childhood. This happened to me recently.

"Jim" I said to myself, because I know myself pretty well, I dispense with formalities."Jim" I say again…twice actually, "you are starting to get to the age where you not a young kid anymore".

"Hey everybody, look at the old senile guy talking to himself" I hear from across the street. I should go back inside.

At that same moment of realization it dawned on me; I needed some Fruit Stripe gum.

For the record, no one actually needs Fruit Stripe gum, unless you are racked with some serious affliction which requires that you consume a stick of chewing gum with a mean time flavor duration of three nanoseconds every two minutes until the entire pack is gone. It is the polar opposite of Extra gum. I think the tag line for Fruit Stripe should be:

"Fruit Stripe-Well, that wasn't very fucking long at all now, was it?"

I would submit that to the company for consideration, but I'm keeping it for myself in case I ever become a male prostitute
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Harping Holidays! (Guest Blog)

(Once again we are featuring a guest blogger. This time my accountant, George "The Finger" Pulowski would like to add his two cents on the holiday season. May your days be merry and your bells be jingled.) Hello all. Well, I have to say that I am honored to write the guest holiday blog. Christmas is just the type of holiday that stirs up strong feelings in all of us. (The people that matter anyway, you know who I'm talking about…and Mel Gibson does too.) After having gone through my annual rite of passage known as "Last Minute Panic Shopping", I feel that I am as qualified as most to talk about what this gift-giving season means to all of us. Getting gifts is nice; this I think is a safe assumption. Giving gifts is also nice, and expecting sex in return does not in any way make you a pervert or a "John" as my mother calls them. Nobody wants to be known as that guy who doesn't get stuff for people at Christmas. Face it, if you have made it to...
Post a Comment
Read more

Open Letter of Apology

As part of the plea bargain, this letter is to serve as a heartfelt apology to anyone who may have been offended by my conduct during one fateful day this past week. There are several incidents that I would like to touch on in this letter, in no particular order. For those of you who were present or who have children who attend the Laughing Kangaroo Day-Care, I hope you understand that my actions on September 22nd were meant to be seen as entertaining and fun, not horrific and "an affront to God" as it has so been called. First of all, my song about the paraplegic hooker was meant to be seen as a parable which dealt with the challenges we all face as human beings and, more specifically, as pimps of paraplegic hookers. I fully intended this to be a learning experience for the kids and, in hindsight, the choreography was poorly thought out and lacked reverence to the topic. It was also my understanding that children enjoyed sing-alongs and that asking them to "stay on the ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Things you should not offer in exchange for sex

A doll baby covered in crushed pork rinds Half a can of Campbell’s condensed cream of mushroom soup and a dog whistle A bamboo back scratcher and a back issue of Car & Driver A Polaroid of your Grandmother and a Matchbox car A milk jug full of urine you found on the side of the road A piece of celery stuffed with goat cheese Finger cymbals and two saltines Anything described as “Fudgy” One ear of Indian corn and a balsa wood airplane Your eight-grade report card and 2 empty butane lighters A Culture Club cassette and an old pair of “Jams”
Post a Comment
Read more