Skip to main content

I'm Old and I Like Gum!

There comes a time in every man's life when he realizes his own mortality. There also comes a time, almost in the same exact instance of the former, that a man has some sort of nonsensical nostalgia for a cherished item or brand from his childhood. This happened to me recently.

"Jim" I said to myself, because I know myself pretty well, I dispense with formalities."Jim" I say again…twice actually, "you are starting to get to the age where you not a young kid anymore".

"Hey everybody, look at the old senile guy talking to himself" I hear from across the street. I should go back inside.

At that same moment of realization it dawned on me; I needed some Fruit Stripe gum.

For the record, no one actually needs Fruit Stripe gum, unless you are racked with some serious affliction which requires that you consume a stick of chewing gum with a mean time flavor duration of three nanoseconds every two minutes until the entire pack is gone. It is the polar opposite of Extra gum. I think the tag line for Fruit Stripe should be:

"Fruit Stripe-Well, that wasn't very fucking long at all now, was it?"

I would submit that to the company for consideration, but I'm keeping it for myself in case I ever become a male prostitute
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Thoughts about the car in front of me...and Glade

Seriously! Did you not see me coming? Jesus, there wasn’t even anyone behind me! Tell me you couldn’t have waited! Holy shit, what is that smell! Ugh. Is it my car? God, I hope not. Come on guy! Is this a parade? The little kids are looking at you because they expect you to throw out candy! Go faster! Seriously, what is that fucking smell? Not only do you have to cut me off and drive so slow you might go backwards at any second but your car smells like total ass! In fact, if I could hook up a hose from my nose to the crack of my ass I would right now. That would be Glade compared to this shit. Speaking of Glade, what is the deal with the lying woman in the new Glade advertisements? Is Glade not good enough? Why does she fucking buy Glade then? “Cheryl thanks for the soda. Is this Pepsi?” “Umm…no. It’s some very rare beverage from South Africa!” “Cheryl, I can see the bottle from here. It’s Pepsi” “Oh, that was from earlier. No, this is um…Africola.” “For Christ’s sake...
Post a Comment
Read more

A conversation with Jesus, who is physically present and doesn’t say anything but sits there with this judgmental look on his face

Oh, hey Jesus. I didn’t see you sitting there. I was just finishing up this article before I head off to a party. I doubt that I will be very late though. I have to work in the morning so… What? Oh, I guess I should just stay home, huh? Because I will probably stay out way later than I plan and I will end up having someone drive me home and I won’t have my car for work in the morning. Yeah, I get it. Jesus, Jesus. Fine, I will just watch some TV. Oh cool, that new Knight Rider is on. I know, I hear it is stupid. I used to love the original when I was a kid. Hey, at least it’s entertaining right? Yeah, I suppose…I suppose I could see what else is on. Or, you know what, I think I will just turn off the TV altogether and check my email instead. Heh. I was just reading this think that my friend Terry sent me. He said that Lindsay Lohan…what? What? Fine! But it is really funny. Do you want to read it? Seriously, Jesus, this attitude is starting to get me down. Maybe you should go for a walk...
Post a Comment
Read more

Counterpoint

In the interest of a balance view this election. I have decided that we should hear from an individual with disparate views from my own. Since the McCain-Palin campaign has been based upon what is best for the everyman, the “Joe Six-Pack” as it were, I thought it would be best if we heard from a true everyman. The following post comes courtesy of Jessie “Turd” Miller. We found Jessie screaming his political views at a television in the bar area of the Ritzy Titz Gentlemen’s Club, where we certainly do not frequent and they do NOT know us by name. Ok you liberal fucknuts. I got me six beers and six reasons why McCain is better than Hussein Obama. Hell, I got me six reasons why McCain is better than any man woman or child on the goddamn planet. Frankly, all this liberal bullshit has been making people not think of the stuff that is good about America. That is not a good thing, and I’m smart! I will drink a beer and give you a reason. That way I got a reason to drink a beer! He...
Post a Comment
Read more