Skip to main content

I'm Old and I Like Gum!

There comes a time in every man's life when he realizes his own mortality. There also comes a time, almost in the same exact instance of the former, that a man has some sort of nonsensical nostalgia for a cherished item or brand from his childhood. This happened to me recently.

"Jim" I said to myself, because I know myself pretty well, I dispense with formalities."Jim" I say again…twice actually, "you are starting to get to the age where you not a young kid anymore".

"Hey everybody, look at the old senile guy talking to himself" I hear from across the street. I should go back inside.

At that same moment of realization it dawned on me; I needed some Fruit Stripe gum.

For the record, no one actually needs Fruit Stripe gum, unless you are racked with some serious affliction which requires that you consume a stick of chewing gum with a mean time flavor duration of three nanoseconds every two minutes until the entire pack is gone. It is the polar opposite of Extra gum. I think the tag line for Fruit Stripe should be:

"Fruit Stripe-Well, that wasn't very fucking long at all now, was it?"

I would submit that to the company for consideration, but I'm keeping it for myself in case I ever become a male prostitute

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

More Obvious Butt Jokes!

I am more of a man than I once was… I admit that I was a testosterone filled monkey man before but now I have the wisdom of the ages to add to my repertoire. Why? I have shopped at Crate & Barrel. It's true. I know that some of you are jealous, others curious, still others…incontinent, but there is a certain glow that attaches itself to your aura the minute you walk into that store. If it isn't something to be bragged about, I don't know what is (and it is possible that I truly don't know what is.) In all honesty, the only reason to go there, for me, is because it makes my wife so ridiculously happy. Home furnishings and storage solutions are her crack. Sometimes, to get her in the mood, I scatter copies of the latest Container Store flyers around like so much obvious porn. Thanks to my wife's organizational fetish, I can convince her to purchase most things simply by making some correlation with storage. See this ridiculously priced writing desk? You can...

Toby Keith sucks something awful (archive post)

(Note: This is a little something from the archives. I am frightfully busy at the moment, but I hate to let this blog hang. Instead I will throw out some old, yet still fantastically hilarious material. Enjoy, rinse, repeat!) As I jumped in the car for a late night run for baby formula and bourbon, I flipped on the radio to find that it was on my wife's favorite station. The DJ greeted me with "here's the latest from Toby Keith called 'Get My Drink On'". Wow, that man is a modern day Mark Twain. I therefore have compiled a list of song titles I fully expect to be included on his next release. 1. Cousin' Fuckin' 2. Blinded By Your Love (And Moonshine) 3. Let's Pretend You Said Yes 4. Mamma Got Her GED 5. I Eat Squirrel! 6. I'm So American I Shit Eagles 7. Do You Still Have My Boot In Your Ass? (I Need It Back) 8. Drivin' My Truck (All Fucked Up) 9. I'm So Country That I'm Borderline Retarded. Apparently he is also starting a c...