Dissociate Fugue

In celebration of the upcoming election, here are some statements that probably were nixed by prudent campaign managers early on. Kiss your baby? I’ll kiss anything. Hell, I’ll kiss your dog…all over! No, I do not fart. I have never farted. My opponent farts quite a bit I hear. Not that I hear when he…next question please. I exist on a strict diet of veal and fetal pigs. …now, in my time, cock fighting was not technically illegal . When is Andy Gibb going to put out another album? That boy is talented! I feel that my urge to kill would be a tremendous asset in leading this country to victory over every other country in the world. I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and…uh…how did the rest of that crack head’s song go? …and that is why I believe my opponent is a witch.

A doll baby covered in crushed pork rinds Half a can of Campbell’s condensed cream of mushroom soup and a dog whistle A bamboo back scratcher and a back issue of Car & Driver A Polaroid of your Grandmother and a Matchbox car A milk jug full of urine you found on the side of the road A piece of celery stuffed with goat cheese Finger cymbals and two saltines Anything described as “Fudgy” One ear of Indian corn and a balsa wood airplane Your eight-grade report card and 2 empty butane lighters A Culture Club cassette and an old pair of “Jams”

Seriously! Did you not see me coming? Jesus, there wasn’t even anyone behind me! Tell me you couldn’t have waited! Holy shit, what is that smell! Ugh. Is it my car? God, I hope not. Come on guy! Is this a parade? The little kids are looking at you because they expect you to throw out candy! Go faster! Seriously, what is that fucking smell? Not only do you have to cut me off and drive so slow you might go backwards at any second but your car smells like total ass! In fact, if I could hook up a hose from my nose to the crack of my ass I would right now. That would be Glade compared to this shit. Speaking of Glade, what is the deal with the lying woman in the new Glade advertisements? Is Glade not good enough? Why does she fucking buy Glade then? “Cheryl thanks for the soda. Is this Pepsi?” “Umm…no. It’s some very rare beverage from South Africa!” “Cheryl, I can see the bottle from here. It’s Pepsi” “Oh, that was from earlier. No, this is um…Africola.” “For Christ’s sake...

3 Chiclets and a spool of red thread Half a peanut-butter sandwich and a Halls cough drop A deflated soccer ball and a dime found on the ground A compilation DVD of Shirley Temple movies and half a Gatorade Blueprints to a dog house and a Yorkshire terrier A small bag of confetti and a really good gazpacho recipe Funyuns One incomplete jigsaw puzzle and two pieces of a Kit-Kat bar A nearly empty toothpaste tube and a broken piñata A tap dance from a hobo and three black checkers A placemat from Denny's and four packets of Sweet N' Low

Oh, hey Jesus. I didn’t see you sitting there. I was just finishing up this article before I head off to a party. I doubt that I will be very late though. I have to work in the morning so… What? Oh, I guess I should just stay home, huh? Because I will probably stay out way later than I plan and I will end up having someone drive me home and I won’t have my car for work in the morning. Yeah, I get it. Jesus, Jesus. Fine, I will just watch some TV. Oh cool, that new Knight Rider is on. I know, I hear it is stupid. I used to love the original when I was a kid. Hey, at least it’s entertaining right? Yeah, I suppose…I suppose I could see what else is on. Or, you know what, I think I will just turn off the TV altogether and check my email instead. Heh. I was just reading this think that my friend Terry sent me. He said that Lindsay Lohan…what? What? Fine! But it is really funny. Do you want to read it? Seriously, Jesus, this attitude is starting to get me down. Maybe you should go for a walk...

Hello there. Yes, I’m fine now. I admit that I spent the better part of the first thousand feet screaming like a prison rape victim, but I am really feeling a little better about this whole thing now. I’m not pleased by any means, don’t get me wrong. There comes a time, just after terminal velocity apparently, that you enter into a gradual acceptance of your situation. Oh, I’m sure I will begin freaking out like an idiot for the last few hundred feet. I have a feeling that will really bring it home for me, once I see the ground rushing towards me. How did I get here? Funny story actually. I had been sitting at the airport bar for a solid two hours prior to the flight, and I horribly misjudged the amount of time it would take to reach the gate prior to boarding time. So there I was, bladder full of what could formerly be called pale ale, rushing like an idiot with my two carry-ons toward the less than hospitable gate worker. By the time we had taxied and taken flight, my bladd...

In the interest of a balance view this election. I have decided that we should hear from an individual with disparate views from my own. Since the McCain-Palin campaign has been based upon what is best for the everyman, the “Joe Six-Pack” as it were, I thought it would be best if we heard from a true everyman. The following post comes courtesy of Jessie “Turd” Miller. We found Jessie screaming his political views at a television in the bar area of the Ritzy Titz Gentlemen’s Club, where we certainly do not frequent and they do NOT know us by name. Ok you liberal fucknuts. I got me six beers and six reasons why McCain is better than Hussein Obama. Hell, I got me six reasons why McCain is better than any man woman or child on the goddamn planet. Frankly, all this liberal bullshit has been making people not think of the stuff that is good about America. That is not a good thing, and I’m smart! I will drink a beer and give you a reason. That way I got a reason to drink a beer! He...