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It would be unwise to exchange sex for the following:

3 Chiclets and a spool of red thread

Half a peanut-butter sandwich and a Halls cough drop

A deflated soccer ball and a dime found on the ground

A compilation DVD of Shirley Temple movies and half a Gatorade

Blueprints to a dog house and a Yorkshire terrier

A small bag of confetti and a really good gazpacho recipe

Funyuns

One incomplete jigsaw puzzle and two pieces of a Kit-Kat bar

A nearly empty toothpaste tube and a broken piƱata

A tap dance from a hobo and three black checkers

A placemat from Denny's and four packets of Sweet N' Low

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Things you should not offer in exchange for sex

A doll baby covered in crushed pork rinds Half a can of Campbell’s condensed cream of mushroom soup and a dog whistle A bamboo back scratcher and a back issue of Car & Driver A Polaroid of your Grandmother and a Matchbox car A milk jug full of urine you found on the side of the road A piece of celery stuffed with goat cheese Finger cymbals and two saltines Anything described as “Fudgy” One ear of Indian corn and a balsa wood airplane Your eight-grade report card and 2 empty butane lighters A Culture Club cassette and an old pair of “Jams”