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Things you should not offer in exchange for sex

A doll baby covered in crushed pork rinds

Half a can of Campbell’s condensed cream of mushroom soup and a dog whistle

A bamboo back scratcher and a back issue of Car & Driver

A Polaroid of your Grandmother and a Matchbox car

A milk jug full of urine you found on the side of the road

A piece of celery stuffed with goat cheese

Finger cymbals and two saltines

Anything described as “Fudgy”

One ear of Indian corn and a balsa wood airplane

Your eight-grade report card and 2 empty butane lighters

A Culture Club cassette and an old pair of “Jams”
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