Skip to main content

Thoughts about the car in front of me...and Glade

Seriously! Did you not see me coming? Jesus, there wasn’t even anyone behind me! Tell me you couldn’t have waited!

Holy shit, what is that smell! Ugh. Is it my car? God, I hope not.

Come on guy! Is this a parade? The little kids are looking at you because they expect you to throw out candy! Go faster!

Seriously, what is that fucking smell? Not only do you have to cut me off and drive so slow you might go backwards at any second but your car smells like total ass! In fact, if I could hook up a hose from my nose to the crack of my ass I would right now. That would be Glade compared to this shit.

Speaking of Glade, what is the deal with the lying woman in the new Glade advertisements? Is Glade not good enough? Why does she fucking buy Glade then?

“Cheryl thanks for the soda. Is this Pepsi?”

“Umm…no. It’s some very rare beverage from South Africa!”

“Cheryl, I can see the bottle from here. It’s Pepsi”

“Oh, that was from earlier. No, this is um…Africola.”

“For Christ’s sake Cheryl, I watched you pour the soda. Does this have to happen every time we come over? I like Pepsi! Other people like Pepsi!”

“No, I flew to Africa and…oh God, Janet, I need help!”

That’s it. I have to roll the windows up. I think this guy’s car is powered by burning cats stuffed with cheese.
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Harping Holidays! (Guest Blog)

(Once again we are featuring a guest blogger. This time my accountant, George "The Finger" Pulowski would like to add his two cents on the holiday season. May your days be merry and your bells be jingled.) Hello all. Well, I have to say that I am honored to write the guest holiday blog. Christmas is just the type of holiday that stirs up strong feelings in all of us. (The people that matter anyway, you know who I'm talking about…and Mel Gibson does too.) After having gone through my annual rite of passage known as "Last Minute Panic Shopping", I feel that I am as qualified as most to talk about what this gift-giving season means to all of us. Getting gifts is nice; this I think is a safe assumption. Giving gifts is also nice, and expecting sex in return does not in any way make you a pervert or a "John" as my mother calls them. Nobody wants to be known as that guy who doesn't get stuff for people at Christmas. Face it, if you have made it to...
Post a Comment
Read more

I have fallen from a plane

Hello there. Yes, I’m fine now. I admit that I spent the better part of the first thousand feet screaming like a prison rape victim, but I am really feeling a little better about this whole thing now. I’m not pleased by any means, don’t get me wrong. There comes a time, just after terminal velocity apparently, that you enter into a gradual acceptance of your situation. Oh, I’m sure I will begin freaking out like an idiot for the last few hundred feet. I have a feeling that will really bring it home for me, once I see the ground rushing towards me. How did I get here? Funny story actually. I had been sitting at the airport bar for a solid two hours prior to the flight, and I horribly misjudged the amount of time it would take to reach the gate prior to boarding time. So there I was, bladder full of what could formerly be called pale ale, rushing like an idiot with my two carry-ons toward the less than hospitable gate worker. By the time we had taxied and taken flight, my bladd...
Post a Comment
Read more

Haiku Laid Man - Oh Yeah!!

I always hate this My butt itches very deeply Bring me a long stick At a funeral I take a break from mourning For shadow puppets That’s a banana The old lady won’t suspect Hidden in the bread “Wicked pisser, dude” Said the drunk Canadian Fucking Canada It’s for potatoes Yes, but the gravy is good Straight from the funnel Go get the car We need to leave right away That wasn’t a fart
Post a Comment
Read more