Dissociate Fugue

In celebration of the upcoming election, here are some statements that probably were nixed by prudent campaign managers early on. Kiss your baby? I’ll kiss anything. Hell, I’ll kiss your dog…all over! No, I do not fart. I have never farted. My opponent farts quite a bit I hear. Not that I hear when he…next question please. I exist on a strict diet of veal and fetal pigs. …now, in my time, cock fighting was not technically illegal . When is Andy Gibb going to put out another album? That boy is talented! I feel that my urge to kill would be a tremendous asset in leading this country to victory over every other country in the world. I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and…uh…how did the rest of that crack head’s song go? …and that is why I believe my opponent is a witch.

A doll baby covered in crushed pork rinds Half a can of Campbell’s condensed cream of mushroom soup and a dog whistle A bamboo back scratcher and a back issue of Car & Driver A Polaroid of your Grandmother and a Matchbox car A milk jug full of urine you found on the side of the road A piece of celery stuffed with goat cheese Finger cymbals and two saltines Anything described as “Fudgy” One ear of Indian corn and a balsa wood airplane Your eight-grade report card and 2 empty butane lighters A Culture Club cassette and an old pair of “Jams”

Seriously! Did you not see me coming? Jesus, there wasn’t even anyone behind me! Tell me you couldn’t have waited! Holy shit, what is that smell! Ugh. Is it my car? God, I hope not. Come on guy! Is this a parade? The little kids are looking at you because they expect you to throw out candy! Go faster! Seriously, what is that fucking smell? Not only do you have to cut me off and drive so slow you might go backwards at any second but your car smells like total ass! In fact, if I could hook up a hose from my nose to the crack of my ass I would right now. That would be Glade compared to this shit. Speaking of Glade, what is the deal with the lying woman in the new Glade advertisements? Is Glade not good enough? Why does she fucking buy Glade then? “Cheryl thanks for the soda. Is this Pepsi?” “Umm…no. It’s some very rare beverage from South Africa!” “Cheryl, I can see the bottle from here. It’s Pepsi” “Oh, that was from earlier. No, this is um…Africola.” “For Christ’s sake

3 Chiclets and a spool of red thread Half a peanut-butter sandwich and a Halls cough drop A deflated soccer ball and a dime found on the ground A compilation DVD of Shirley Temple movies and half a Gatorade Blueprints to a dog house and a Yorkshire terrier A small bag of confetti and a really good gazpacho recipe Funyuns One incomplete jigsaw puzzle and two pieces of a Kit-Kat bar A nearly empty toothpaste tube and a broken piñata A tap dance from a hobo and three black checkers A placemat from Denny's and four packets of Sweet N' Low

Sometimes, laughter is NOT the best medicine. Especially during a rectal examination When people say that something is as fun as a barrel of monkeys, I would assume they mean LIVING monkeys. Although I think that those are more expensive. Maybe they should say “as expensive as a barrel of living monkeys”, unless you got them on a discount because only a few were dead, or they were diseased. I think the most frightening phrase anyone can say is “I was thinking about you the other night”. Because…God knows what those freaks may have been doing. Like the time I was doing naked chin-ups on my fire escape and I started thinking about my high-school English teacher. Sometimes it just doesn’t make sense. The English language is so interesting. Like the way the same word can be used in different ways. People are fine when you talk about how the chicken is “smothered” in gravy or your mother “smothered” you with kisses…but not the way your ex-wife was “smothered” with a pillow. Craz

Oh, hey Jesus. I didn’t see you sitting there. I was just finishing up this article before I head off to a party. I doubt that I will be very late though. I have to work in the morning so… What? Oh, I guess I should just stay home, huh? Because I will probably stay out way later than I plan and I will end up having someone drive me home and I won’t have my car for work in the morning. Yeah, I get it. Jesus, Jesus. Fine, I will just watch some TV. Oh cool, that new Knight Rider is on. I know, I hear it is stupid. I used to love the original when I was a kid. Hey, at least it’s entertaining right? Yeah, I suppose…I suppose I could see what else is on. Or, you know what, I think I will just turn off the TV altogether and check my email instead. Heh. I was just reading this think that my friend Terry sent me. He said that Lindsay Lohan…what? What? Fine! But it is really funny. Do you want to read it? Seriously, Jesus, this attitude is starting to get me down. Maybe you should go for a walk

Hello there. Yes, I’m fine now. I admit that I spent the better part of the first thousand feet screaming like a prison rape victim, but I am really feeling a little better about this whole thing now. I’m not pleased by any means, don’t get me wrong. There comes a time, just after terminal velocity apparently, that you enter into a gradual acceptance of your situation. Oh, I’m sure I will begin freaking out like an idiot for the last few hundred feet. I have a feeling that will really bring it home for me, once I see the ground rushing towards me. How did I get here? Funny story actually. I had been sitting at the airport bar for a solid two hours prior to the flight, and I horribly misjudged the amount of time it would take to reach the gate prior to boarding time. So there I was, bladder full of what could formerly be called pale ale, rushing like an idiot with my two carry-ons toward the less than hospitable gate worker. By the time we had taxied and taken flight, my bladd

In the interest of a balance view this election. I have decided that we should hear from an individual with disparate views from my own. Since the McCain-Palin campaign has been based upon what is best for the everyman, the “Joe Six-Pack” as it were, I thought it would be best if we heard from a true everyman. The following post comes courtesy of Jessie “Turd” Miller. We found Jessie screaming his political views at a television in the bar area of the Ritzy Titz Gentlemen’s Club, where we certainly do not frequent and they do NOT know us by name. Ok you liberal fucknuts. I got me six beers and six reasons why McCain is better than Hussein Obama. Hell, I got me six reasons why McCain is better than any man woman or child on the goddamn planet. Frankly, all this liberal bullshit has been making people not think of the stuff that is good about America. That is not a good thing, and I’m smart! I will drink a beer and give you a reason. That way I got a reason to drink a beer! He

As the weather turns colder and the leaves begin to lose their verdigris hue and take on the colors of the earth, and my wife’s blood circulation turns her extremities into icy instruments of torture when they contact my skin, we begin to enjoy one of our favorite seasons. We decided this year to do some searching and plot out some possible fall food festivals that the family could take in this year. We had kicked around the idea of checking out the Apple Cider Festival in Norton, Ohio late last month. It coincides with the annual Jesus Christ Where is the Bathroom Festival and it is immediately followed by the Search for Clean Underwear Festival at the local Wal-Mart. I suppose the same can be said for the annual Fiber festival in Allegan, Michigan. The main difference is that the fiber festival tends to end just after the eating contest, once the methane levels reach a toxic concentration. Virginia has a myriad of fall festivals. Most of these however, deal with the consumption

I always hate this My butt itches very deeply Bring me a long stick At a funeral I take a break from mourning For shadow puppets That’s a banana The old lady won’t suspect Hidden in the bread “Wicked pisser, dude” Said the drunk Canadian Fucking Canada It’s for potatoes Yes, but the gravy is good Straight from the funnel Go get the car We need to leave right away That wasn’t a fart

I spent the entire day today feeling a bit uneasy. It wasn’t the election, though that is concerning. It wasn’t the economy, though that is monkey-shit crazy. No, it was something else entirely that was causing my feelings of creeping distress. My jeans were just a bit too short. That’s right. The entire day, as I walked or sat, I would notice that I just didn’t feel right. I was seeing more sock than usual, yes, but it wasn’t like I was wearing Capri pants or anything. Then, as I strolled by the mirrored reflection of the office elevator doors, it hit me. These jeans are just a bit too short. I tried the quick fix, pulling them down a bit lower, but I figured showing that much butt crack was probably worse than showing that much ankle. Especially since I’m a dude, no matter what the regretful decision of getting that “tramp stamp” tattoo may have you believe. I admit it; I used to drink quite a bit. How did this happen? When I tried them on in the store they weren’t this sho

So, the bailout passed. This is fucking awesome. We should be seeing horsemen any day now. Frankly, I had a better solution in mind. I'm at the point now where I don't even care. The entire Senate could roam the plains pillaging like Vikings and I wouldn't be surprised. Game over man...game over. From now on, this is the only picture I will be thinking of...

Man! Them's GOP folks is some mavericks! Um, make that...mavricks? Jesus. This election is fucking clown shoes. I promise I will stop this soapboxing. I am just completely amazed that this is the state of our country right now.

Just one quick question to pose regarding the Veep debate: When did "Middle-class" begin to equal "stupid fucktard"? I don't think Palin was talking straight to me when she uses phrases like "say it ain't so Joe". If that is what it takes to become GOP VP candidate, you can't tell me that a better choice wouldn't be some WWE star and a Nascar driver. They could knock back some American beers before the debate (wait...is there such a thing as American beer anymore?) and play some bag tag between campaign stops. Hey, middle class, the GOP thinks you are comprised of morons and dipshits! Oh well, I guess it's just nice to know where you stand.

While I try to avoid my high horse for most issues, mainly because it is incredibly high and I am prone to nosebleeds, I will make an exception about this epidemic of poorly informed consumers blasting a food ingredient of which they know nothing. That’s right; it’s about time someone came out in defense of High Fructose Corn Syrup! Seriously, this appeal to the ignorant is about as thinly veiled as an infomercial problem. “If only I had a solution that would slice this cheese in half the time! I am tired of repeatedly throwing it at the ceiling fan! What a mess!” “You like High Fructose Corn Syrup, huh? You must be worse than Hitler!” “Why is that?” “Ummm…uhhhh…cuz it’s made from Jews? No! Apparently it is fine because it is made from corn. I’ll be damned! Next they’ll be telling me that corn bread is fine, because it is also made from corn. Well, corn bread mugged my Grandmother back in 1954! Where is your precious corn now! I would like to see this specious reasoning put t

Guest Blog by Phil “Cage Fighter” Whiley (Since I have not been able to keep the strenuous pace of writing something every once in a while, I have passed off the blog duties to one of my casual acquaintances, at least until the penicillin does its job. It is kind of bittersweet, like the time you pimped out your sister to that Amish family. They sure can bake!) I really gotta tell ya, it has been a while since I set a hobo on fire. I mean, with gas prices at what they are, it is almost cheaper to try to find one already doused in some flammable liquid. Nope, I’m a saving that up for a special occasion. Really, once you get them aflame, whatever they have been drowning their miserable little lives in keeps them burning for about an hour or two. Sometimes I’ll throw in a kitten, but just because I like the smell. That’s not really what I wanted to write about here, but last weekend just got me thinking about it. I really wanted to talk about something that is near to my heart righ