Skip to main content

I hear there is a hole for that

While I try to avoid my high horse for most issues, mainly because it is incredibly high and I am prone to nosebleeds, I will make an exception about this epidemic of poorly informed consumers blasting a food ingredient of which they know nothing. That’s right; it’s about time someone came out in defense of High Fructose Corn Syrup!



Seriously, this appeal to the ignorant is about as thinly veiled as an infomercial problem. “If only I had a solution that would slice this cheese in half the time! I am tired of repeatedly throwing it at the ceiling fan! What a mess!”

“You like High Fructose Corn Syrup, huh? You must be worse than Hitler!”
“Why is that?”
“Ummm…uhhhh…cuz it’s made from Jews?

No! Apparently it is fine because it is made from corn. I’ll be damned! Next they’ll be telling me that corn bread is fine, because it is also made from corn. Well, corn bread mugged my Grandmother back in 1954! Where is your precious corn now!

I would like to see this specious reasoning put to other uses.

A couple walks down a dark alley. They are confronted by a man with a gun.

Mugger: Give me your purse and wallet now!

Man: You shouldn’t point that gun at people. That is really dangerous!

Mugger: Oh yeah? Why is that?

Man: Um…well…uhhh

Mugger: Because it is made from steel? It helps protect my country and it is safe when handled in a proper manner?

Man: Wow…I am worse than Hitler!
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Things you should not offer in exchange for sex

A doll baby covered in crushed pork rinds Half a can of Campbell’s condensed cream of mushroom soup and a dog whistle A bamboo back scratcher and a back issue of Car & Driver A Polaroid of your Grandmother and a Matchbox car A milk jug full of urine you found on the side of the road A piece of celery stuffed with goat cheese Finger cymbals and two saltines Anything described as “Fudgy” One ear of Indian corn and a balsa wood airplane Your eight-grade report card and 2 empty butane lighters A Culture Club cassette and an old pair of “Jams”
Post a Comment
Read more

Rejected campaign statements

In celebration of the upcoming election, here are some statements that probably were nixed by prudent campaign managers early on. Kiss your baby? I’ll kiss anything. Hell, I’ll kiss your dog…all over! No, I do not fart. I have never farted. My opponent farts quite a bit I hear. Not that I hear when he…next question please. I exist on a strict diet of veal and fetal pigs. …now, in my time, cock fighting was not technically illegal . When is Andy Gibb going to put out another album? That boy is talented! I feel that my urge to kill would be a tremendous asset in leading this country to victory over every other country in the world. I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and…uh…how did the rest of that crack head’s song go? …and that is why I believe my opponent is a witch.
Post a Comment
Read more

More Obvious Butt Jokes!

I am more of a man than I once was… I admit that I was a testosterone filled monkey man before but now I have the wisdom of the ages to add to my repertoire. Why? I have shopped at Crate & Barrel. It's true. I know that some of you are jealous, others curious, still others…incontinent, but there is a certain glow that attaches itself to your aura the minute you walk into that store. If it isn't something to be bragged about, I don't know what is (and it is possible that I truly don't know what is.) In all honesty, the only reason to go there, for me, is because it makes my wife so ridiculously happy. Home furnishings and storage solutions are her crack. Sometimes, to get her in the mood, I scatter copies of the latest Container Store flyers around like so much obvious porn. Thanks to my wife's organizational fetish, I can convince her to purchase most things simply by making some correlation with storage. See this ridiculously priced writing desk? You can
Post a Comment
Read more