As the weather turns colder and the leaves begin to lose their verdigris hue and take on the colors of the earth, and my wife’s blood circulation turns her extremities into icy instruments of torture when they contact my skin, we begin to enjoy one of our favorite seasons. We decided this year to do some searching and plot out some possible fall food festivals that the family could take in this year.
We had kicked around the idea of checking out the Apple Cider Festival in Norton, Ohio late last month. It coincides with the annual Jesus Christ Where is the Bathroom Festival and it is immediately followed by the Search for Clean Underwear Festival at the local Wal-Mart. I suppose the same can be said for the annual Fiber festival in Allegan, Michigan. The main difference is that the fiber festival tends to end just after the eating contest, once the methane levels reach a toxic concentration.
Virginia has a myriad of fall festivals. Most of these however, deal with the consumption of oysters. While I would not be against attending these, it would become rather awkward due to my wife’s rather acute shellfish allergy. I joked that we could just rename it the Annual Wife-Killing Festival, but unfortunately this infringes on some Pakistani festivals, which I hear are quite popular.
No, instead we will inevitably participate in the same fall rituals we have been cultivating for years. There is the annual Search for the Overpriced Pumpkin and the Carving of the Overpriced Pumpkin Into Unrecognizable Shapes. I am, however, rather excited about a tradition that is near and dear to my heart. The Switching from Vodka to Bourbon Festival is always a high point for me. This year I plan on having a corn maze (consisting of a few corn stalks and me being blindingly drunk) and Screamed Obscenities contest (I will invariable win this one, I can feel it). Since I have had many inquiries, I would like to make it clear that I will not be bringing back the petting zoo this year. The images from last year, though not necessarily vivid for me, are all too remembered by the lawyers of the ASPCA.
We had kicked around the idea of checking out the Apple Cider Festival in Norton, Ohio late last month. It coincides with the annual Jesus Christ Where is the Bathroom Festival and it is immediately followed by the Search for Clean Underwear Festival at the local Wal-Mart. I suppose the same can be said for the annual Fiber festival in Allegan, Michigan. The main difference is that the fiber festival tends to end just after the eating contest, once the methane levels reach a toxic concentration.
Virginia has a myriad of fall festivals. Most of these however, deal with the consumption of oysters. While I would not be against attending these, it would become rather awkward due to my wife’s rather acute shellfish allergy. I joked that we could just rename it the Annual Wife-Killing Festival, but unfortunately this infringes on some Pakistani festivals, which I hear are quite popular.
No, instead we will inevitably participate in the same fall rituals we have been cultivating for years. There is the annual Search for the Overpriced Pumpkin and the Carving of the Overpriced Pumpkin Into Unrecognizable Shapes. I am, however, rather excited about a tradition that is near and dear to my heart. The Switching from Vodka to Bourbon Festival is always a high point for me. This year I plan on having a corn maze (consisting of a few corn stalks and me being blindingly drunk) and Screamed Obscenities contest (I will invariable win this one, I can feel it). Since I have had many inquiries, I would like to make it clear that I will not be bringing back the petting zoo this year. The images from last year, though not necessarily vivid for me, are all too remembered by the lawyers of the ASPCA.
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