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Thoughts I have had recently

Sometimes, laughter is NOT the best medicine.
Especially during a rectal examination

When people say that something is as fun as a barrel of monkeys,
I would assume they mean LIVING monkeys. Although I think that those are more expensive. Maybe they should say “as expensive as a barrel of living monkeys”, unless you got them on a discount because only a few were dead, or they were diseased.

I think the most frightening phrase anyone can say is “I was thinking about you the other night”. Because…God knows what those freaks may have been doing. Like the time I was doing naked chin-ups on my fire escape and I started thinking about my high-school English teacher. Sometimes it just doesn’t make sense.

The English language is so interesting. Like the way the same word can be used in different ways. People are fine when you talk about how the chicken is “smothered” in gravy or your mother “smothered” you with kisses…but not the way your ex-wife was “smothered” with a pillow. Crazy English language!

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Things you should not offer in exchange for sex

A doll baby covered in crushed pork rinds Half a can of Campbell’s condensed cream of mushroom soup and a dog whistle A bamboo back scratcher and a back issue of Car & Driver A Polaroid of your Grandmother and a Matchbox car A milk jug full of urine you found on the side of the road A piece of celery stuffed with goat cheese Finger cymbals and two saltines Anything described as “Fudgy” One ear of Indian corn and a balsa wood airplane Your eight-grade report card and 2 empty butane lighters A Culture Club cassette and an old pair of “Jams”

Rejected campaign statements

In celebration of the upcoming election, here are some statements that probably were nixed by prudent campaign managers early on. Kiss your baby? I’ll kiss anything. Hell, I’ll kiss your dog…all over! No, I do not fart. I have never farted. My opponent farts quite a bit I hear. Not that I hear when he…next question please. I exist on a strict diet of veal and fetal pigs. …now, in my time, cock fighting was not technically illegal . When is Andy Gibb going to put out another album? That boy is talented! I feel that my urge to kill would be a tremendous asset in leading this country to victory over every other country in the world. I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and…uh…how did the rest of that crack head’s song go? …and that is why I believe my opponent is a witch.

More Obvious Butt Jokes!

I am more of a man than I once was… I admit that I was a testosterone filled monkey man before but now I have the wisdom of the ages to add to my repertoire. Why? I have shopped at Crate & Barrel. It's true. I know that some of you are jealous, others curious, still others…incontinent, but there is a certain glow that attaches itself to your aura the minute you walk into that store. If it isn't something to be bragged about, I don't know what is (and it is possible that I truly don't know what is.) In all honesty, the only reason to go there, for me, is because it makes my wife so ridiculously happy. Home furnishings and storage solutions are her crack. Sometimes, to get her in the mood, I scatter copies of the latest Container Store flyers around like so much obvious porn. Thanks to my wife's organizational fetish, I can convince her to purchase most things simply by making some correlation with storage. See this ridiculously priced writing desk? You can