Well, isn't that nice!

So, the bailout passed. This is fucking awesome. We should be seeing horsemen any day now.

Frankly, I had a better solution in mind.

I'm at the point now where I don't even care. The entire Senate could roam the plains pillaging like Vikings and I wouldn't be surprised.
Game over man...game over.

From now on, this is the only picture I will be thinking of...

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Things you should not offer in exchange for sex

A doll baby covered in crushed pork rinds Half a can of Campbell’s condensed cream of mushroom soup and a dog whistle A bamboo back scratcher and a back issue of Car & Driver A Polaroid of your Grandmother and a Matchbox car A milk jug full of urine you found on the side of the road A piece of celery stuffed with goat cheese Finger cymbals and two saltines Anything described as “Fudgy” One ear of Indian corn and a balsa wood airplane Your eight-grade report card and 2 empty butane lighters A Culture Club cassette and an old pair of “Jams”

Rejected campaign statements

In celebration of the upcoming election, here are some statements that probably were nixed by prudent campaign managers early on. Kiss your baby? I’ll kiss anything. Hell, I’ll kiss your dog…all over! No, I do not fart. I have never farted. My opponent farts quite a bit I hear. Not that I hear when he…next question please. I exist on a strict diet of veal and fetal pigs. …now, in my time, cock fighting was not technically illegal . When is Andy Gibb going to put out another album? That boy is talented! I feel that my urge to kill would be a tremendous asset in leading this country to victory over every other country in the world. I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and…uh…how did the rest of that crack head’s song go? …and that is why I believe my opponent is a witch.

More Obvious Butt Jokes!

I am more of a man than I once was… I admit that I was a testosterone filled monkey man before but now I have the wisdom of the ages to add to my repertoire. Why? I have shopped at Crate & Barrel. It's true. I know that some of you are jealous, others curious, still others…incontinent, but there is a certain glow that attaches itself to your aura the minute you walk into that store. If it isn't something to be bragged about, I don't know what is (and it is possible that I truly don't know what is.) In all honesty, the only reason to go there, for me, is because it makes my wife so ridiculously happy. Home furnishings and storage solutions are her crack. Sometimes, to get her in the mood, I scatter copies of the latest Container Store flyers around like so much obvious porn. Thanks to my wife's organizational fetish, I can convince her to purchase most things simply by making some correlation with storage. See this ridiculously priced writing desk? You can

Dissociate Fugue

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